10 Tips for Learning to Trust Yourself

Things happen in life to throw us off kilter. A loved one cheats, we didn't see the break-up coming, we lose a job through layoff or being fired, we aren't the mom we thought we'd be, or the baby doesn't have the temperament we anticipated. We have certain expectations and somehow they are horribly unmet.

When we feel betrayed, hurt, shame or failure, we start to doubt ourselves. We doubt our abilities and our capabilities. We stop trusting ourselves. It can also happen when our caretakers give messages of comparison or doubt growing up. They may invalidate our feelings or experiences and place shame or rejection upon us. We grow up second-guessing ourselves and looking to others to define our reality.

How do we get back to ourselves after life gut-punches us? How do we learn to trust ourselves again?

1. Don't compare yourself to others.

You're not going to be able to do everything right all the time. That's okay. It's normal to make mistakes. Instead of comparing yourself to other people, focus on what you can control. Remember, to compare is to despair.

2. Focus on what you can control instead of what you can't.

Be honest with yourself about what you're capable of, and let the rest go. The only thing we can truly control is our reaction to things and how we frame them.

3. Ask yourself how you would handle a situation if you were in another person's shoes.

No matter what someone is going through, I suspect you'd give someone in that situation grace and compassion, so be sure to give yourself the same. Anytime life shakes us, find self-compassion first. And remember, other people's behavior is always about them.

4. Take responsibility for your actions.

It's easy to blame others when things go wrong, but taking responsibility for your own actions will help you build self-confidence and gain more control over your life. You'll also feel less stressed out because you won't have to worry about other people judging you.

5. Accept criticism without getting defensive.

The Hawaiian forgiveness prayer or Ho'oponopono simply states:

I Love You, I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank You. Saying this helps us stay accountable and also offers generosity to our fellow humans. It softens the need to justify or defend and offers both parties more immediate healing.

6. Give yourself credit when you succeed.

Many of us are reluctant to sing our own praises but doing so doesn't equate to bragging. It helps fires positive neurons in our brain, it stimulates feel good hormones, and it helps wire the feelings of success, pride, achievement, accomplishment and self-love. Remember, what we fire, we wire.

7. Believe in yourself.

If you're struggling with confidence, first, make sure you're doing what you love. Then, surround yourself with positive influences and people. Finally, take care of yourself physically and mentally.

8. Know that you will never be perfect.

Striving to meet goals and have success is different from striving to prove we're not inadequate or unworthy. We may need to reparent and reprogram ourselves first, but remember "perfect, is the enemy of good."

9. Remember that everyone makes mistakes.

Mistakes are inevitable; we're only human after all. However, by learning from our mistakes, we can improve ourselves as people and become better at what we do. If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up about it. Instead, learn from it and move forward.

10. Have fun!

Learning to trust ourselves also means we need to loosen up a little and have a little fun. Try a new activity or hobby. Smile at a stranger. Laugh more. And remember there are still good people in the world doing good things and you can be one of them.

Reach out to learn how to trust yourself more. I can help!