What I'm Learning From Atlas of the Heart

If you haven't read Brené Brown's new book, Atlas of the Heart, I recommend it. At first, I thought, "How much am I going to get out of a book that just lists emotions and their definitions?" I'm a therapist and a life coach, I mean I know feelings.

I was wrong.

As Brown says, she is exploring emotions and experiences and how we make meaning of them.

"In my experience working with clients, the ability to name this emotion or experience is essential to being able to process it in a productive and healing manner."

Brown's book gave me pause at times and made me really reflect on some of the words I thought I understood and how they have played out in my life.

Toward the end of the book, Brown includes a chapter called Places We Go to Self-Assess. In this chapter, she discusses Pride, Hubris and Humility.

In reading about Hubris, I recalled a date from over 20 years ago where this word was used to describe me with a condescending tone. I didn't know what it meant at the time, and he explained it as "ego." I was confused as he mockingly walked away from me in the parking lot shaking his head. "What had I done to have him experience me this way?" I truly had no clue. But in reading Brown's explanation, I cringed.

Brown explains, "The higher the hubris, the lower the self-esteem and the higher the hubris, the higher the narcissism and shame-proneness." Whoof. Ouch. Ugh.

I could now see myself there. Twenty years later I can look back on all my own healing work and acknowledge that I spent a great deal of time unconsciously in hubris. My self-esteem was low, my shame was high and I walked around like a "know-it-all" to try to gain some respect, some validation, something positive, only to be met with rejection over and over again. It was Hubris!

Two little pages on one unique word and the puzzle pieces connected! I had to spend some time with those pages, the discomfort it made me feel and the regret for my younger, hurting self. And then I had to find the compassion for her.

Of course, I can see a client's narcissism and know it is a protection from vulnerability and wounded ego, but it's so much harder to see it in oneself, isn't it? Thankfully, I've been working on shame for years, just not in the context of hubris. Brown is right. Naming it so clearly, helped heal it.

Weeks later, I shared the same quote with a client who hadn't quite realized his own similar pattern. The lightbulb went off and he returned to deep work on his childhood trauma.

Powerful little paragraphs.

In another chapter, The Places We Go When We Search For Connection, Brown discusses the differences between belonging and fitting in. She says, "you can't study the emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human without constantly bumping into belonging--it's just too primal."

The difference may seem subtle to the mainstream. I think I confused them in my younger years. We all strive for fitting in especially beginning in our adolescence and young adult years. It's important to feel liked and accepted. As Brown points out that can be tenuous. If we say the wrong thing or make the wrong statement, our fitting in can change drastically. I think of teenage girls who can be so cruel in determining who is "in" one day and "out" the next. Or, in religious groups or marginalized groups, where you fit in if you are straight or waiting for marriage or marrying into the same race or religion. One deviation and you're swiftly ostracized.

True belonging doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are."

That statement got me thinking about how many times I've changed for someone or some group. Again, I recall the rejection I perceived as personal, but now see as times I was not my authentic self.

Being authentic is a real deep dive. It takes time to know what we truly believe and who we truly are. Brown adds,

Because we feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

People rejected me because I didn't know who I truly was yet! I wasn't sure what I believed about myself or the world and I certainly didn't accept myself.

We have to belong to ourselves. Knowing and loving ourselves has to feel like that softest, most billowy, comfiest sweater we've had for years. That when we put it on it feels perfect and cozy and familiar and right and it doesn't matter if anyone insults it or makes fun of it or rolls their eyes at it; we know we will never part with it. Have I ever been that unswayable? Have I ever been that sweater to myself?

Self-acceptance and authenticity are achieved incrementally. It gets easier with age and often once you find that tribe or person who never makes you doubt yourself.

The chapter then takes us down a path about connection, disconnection, insecurity, and loneliness. So much to dissect and reflect upon! Maybe I'll do a blog series.

For now, I'll leave it here. Two little, yet big, words: hubris and belonging. A several page illustration and I've come to some deeper understanding of myself. How do I use hubris to protect myself now? When have I felt like I truly belonged? Who was with me and what were we doing? Am I living authentically now? These are great roadmap reflections!

This is just me having my human experience. Having it in writing helped me know I am not alone.

Lastly, Brown shared something her mother would always tell her which I agree is good wisdom, especially when so many of us are hurting:

"Don't look away. Don't look down.

Don't pretend not to see hurt.

Look people in the eye.

Even when their pain is overwhelming.

And when you're hurting and in pain, find the people who can look you in the eye."

Look others in the eye and look yourself in the eye. Acknowledge the emotions and experiences we are having.

We are all on the journey to figuring it out.

If you need help figuring it out, contact me for a consult or a deep-dive session.